Sorry about the yiping

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."  – Kathleen Winsor

What is it about being a 'people pleaser' that seems to turn people into a pack of ravenous wolves and me their wounded prey?  My desire to be liked and accepted is a gaping and bleeding gash I incurred during childhood abuse.

And yes, I am trying to 'get over it.'  I spent ten proud years in therapy trying to 'get over it.'  You don't get PTSD over 'spankings.'  You don't have flashbacks of being told to go to bed.

Why does it seem to offend some people when I talk about the abuse or how I'm trying to deal with some aspect of it?  How we were raised as children, the experiences we endured, molded us into the people we are today.  I just happened to live through conditions that have made therapists physically sick.  I am proud that I survived.  I am proud of the creative ways I endured it and I am working on being proud of who I am today.

I have just spent so much time 'people pleasing'...a side effect of the grooming...that sometimes I really just don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do or how to act in any given moment.

And that's my life - how is this person thinking or feeling?  Are they angry with me?  How do I fix it?  This person hurt me; hurt them back.  Now I'm a bad person.

See grooming is a form of brain washing.  I have been told versions of reality other than my own.  I have been told right after abuse that my injuries occurred in another way.  I have not been allowed to feel hurt or sad or angry.  I was only allowed to feel what I had permission to feel and any resistance was met with swift and harsh punishment.

Yes, to those who run with the wolf pack, I am considered an easy kill.  It's true; I allow my wounds to be seen.  I don't try to hide them anymore.  I don't do this because I want your pity or attention.  I do it because it's honest.  I'm not hiding any part of myself anymore.  I am wounded.  I am flawed.  It's taken me a long time to learn to love and trust.  Being honest about what has happened or how I feel is something I do even though I am very frightened to do so.

Remember, I want to be liked.  I'm looking for that acceptance I missed out on as a child.  Obviously, that is an issue I need to work on and boy have I learned a lot these last ten years at the hands of those in Christian, Intellectual  and "I just love her so much"  (stab, stab, stab) clothing.

Still, honesty is priceless to me.  No abuse can occur in a relationship that is honest.  Nothing can fester in the light.  Honesty is the light and I shine it on myself and the abuse for the world to see.  Yes this happened and I'm not going to shut up about it because 1) I have to talk about it to heal and 2) my abusers are still, to this day, abusing me; telling me that it didn't happen.  Telling me I remember it wrong.  Telling me it was my fault.  Telling others...a much more palatable version of what happened;  Michelle is crazy.  There is not a group of men in the family who prey on children.  All the broken people in the family?  They are all just sick.  It's just a coincidence that they all mention they have been abused.

There are monsters but they aren't in our closets.  They are in our family album.  And my family shouldn't be pissed off at me for shining the light on them.  They should be pissed off that I had to.  Anyone talking 'loyalty' to me now is inadvertently shining a light on their own issues.

So, as you see, I am a fucked up person (sorry, no other word would fit)...but I'm trying really, really hard to not let that affect those around me.  My faith, honesty and a heaping helping of humor has made my life really enjoyable.  I still have issues I am working on but I am working on them.  It's very hard for me to allow myself to be vulnerable and I have recently made some huge leaps of faith only to end up in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the hill with that pack of hungry wolves in sheep's clothing waiting for me.

So to the wolves, I may be easy prey but I guarantee you this; Deep down I am tough, stringy and resilient.  With any justice at all, I'll give you gas and hemorrhoids for life but I will walk away from you.

I've already survived worse than you.

Still, I promise I'll try to work on my yiping.  I bet it makes it hard to hear the television.