Smile on a dog...

Just rambling ramblers...writing what I think as I think it helps me work through things.  :P

Is there something wrong with me for wanting to share my life with others? Is that a form of vanity? Am I desperately crying out to be understood and/or accepted?  Is that vanity?

And why is the song, "What I Am" by Edie Brickell stuck in my head?

"Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks."

Oddly I find myself wanting to contact people to apologize for my side in our disagreements....but I have serious reservations about contacting anyone anymore because:

* I am expecting them to be in the same forgiving place at the same time I am. Not really reasonable...

* Even though I can lie to myself and say I'm not expecting anything in return eventually I'll be disappointed because I am expecting their forgiveness and friendship and maybe even different behavior from them in return...all in all, not really fair to them or myself.

* I constantly do this: I forgive people, let them back in my life but nothing has changed...not even that fact that I am allowing someone to walk all over me again.

* But...I hate the idea of becoming this cynical person who refuses to trust...who is afraid to trust.

"Religion is a light in the fog."

I wish people could see how much damage an abuser in the family does: I mean the innocent are thrust in the middle of all of this...they have to choose sides and no one wants to believe that someone they love is an abuser...they'd rather believe the accuser is insane or a liar or perhaps, both.

I understand that. It smarts a little but I understand it. There are days when I am angry and bitter but they are becoming farther and fewer in between the days when I can empathize with those stuck in the middle...but no matter what, these people are responsible for the way they behave. If you treat me hatefully, no matter who you are trying to protect or your rationale, you are still treating me hatefully.

And I don't deserve that...basically I was abused and then abused by others for having the audacity to tell or for learning to have boundaries. Well...just a little bit of information on me...I will never, ever be bullied into silence. It didn't happen when I was a child and it sure as heck isn't going to happen now.

So, I may feel really bad for those who are stuck in the middle but that doesn't mean you get a free pass to treat someone badly...In fact you're really just a horse of another color to me.

...still a horse...just another color...

"What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?"

Someone earlier had posted something about loving your enemies.

What does that mean really?

I wonder every single day that if I had stood up to certain people earlier then maybe we'd all still be talking today. I mean by the time I stood up for myself they had already figured me to be the type to just keep taking their crap. It was shocking to them I believe when I told them I would not accept their abuse anymore.

Of course...they shouldn't have been behaving that way at all but could I have done something to get a different outcome?  What would have happened if I stood up earlier? Would that have helped? Because in my mind I was "loving mine enemies." I was looking over the things said and done until I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought that eventually, through inaction, they would just give up and realize I wasn't going to leave Colin no matter what they did or said.

I thought they would realize I was worthy of Colin...of them...

But it didn't work at all...and I'm really freaking confused why I seem to rub certain people the wrong way so badly when I'm just trying to live a modest life with morals and integrity.  All I ever wanted was family and I have it now.  I really wish I could share that.  I wish people knew me...I wish they knew me.

I don't think I should contact anyone.  I don't think...well...to tell you the truth...I'm just tired of thinking about trying to fix things.  It's exhausting.

"Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Choke (throw) me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep"

(anyone know why all the lyrics sites have "choke" instead of "throw"?  And if it is choke...um...why????  lol)