Smile on a dog...

Just rambling ramblers...writing what I think as I think it helps me work through things.  :P

Is there something wrong with me for wanting to share my life with others? Is that a form of vanity? Am I desperately crying out to be understood and/or accepted?  Is that vanity?

And why is the song, "What I Am" by Edie Brickell stuck in my head?

"Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks."

Oddly I find myself wanting to contact people to apologize for my side in our disagreements....but I have serious reservations about contacting anyone anymore because:

* I am expecting them to be in the same forgiving place at the same time I am. Not really reasonable...

* Even though I can lie to myself and say I'm not expecting anything in return eventually I'll be disappointed because I am expecting their forgiveness and friendship and maybe even different behavior from them in return...all in all, not really fair to them or myself.

* I constantly do this: I forgive people, let them back in my life but nothing has changed...not even that fact that I am allowing someone to walk all over me again.

* But...I hate the idea of becoming this cynical person who refuses to trust...who is afraid to trust.

"Religion is a light in the fog."

I wish people could see how much damage an abuser in the family does: I mean the innocent are thrust in the middle of all of this...they have to choose sides and no one wants to believe that someone they love is an abuser...they'd rather believe the accuser is insane or a liar or perhaps, both.

I understand that. It smarts a little but I understand it. There are days when I am angry and bitter but they are becoming farther and fewer in between the days when I can empathize with those stuck in the middle...but no matter what, these people are responsible for the way they behave. If you treat me hatefully, no matter who you are trying to protect or your rationale, you are still treating me hatefully.

And I don't deserve that...basically I was abused and then abused by others for having the audacity to tell or for learning to have boundaries. Well...just a little bit of information on me...I will never, ever be bullied into silence. It didn't happen when I was a child and it sure as heck isn't going to happen now.

So, I may feel really bad for those who are stuck in the middle but that doesn't mean you get a free pass to treat someone badly...In fact you're really just a horse of another color to me.

...still a horse...just another color...

"What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?"

Someone earlier had posted something about loving your enemies.

What does that mean really?

I wonder every single day that if I had stood up to certain people earlier then maybe we'd all still be talking today. I mean by the time I stood up for myself they had already figured me to be the type to just keep taking their crap. It was shocking to them I believe when I told them I would not accept their abuse anymore.

Of course...they shouldn't have been behaving that way at all but could I have done something to get a different outcome?  What would have happened if I stood up earlier? Would that have helped? Because in my mind I was "loving mine enemies." I was looking over the things said and done until I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought that eventually, through inaction, they would just give up and realize I wasn't going to leave Colin no matter what they did or said.

I thought they would realize I was worthy of Colin...of them...

But it didn't work at all...and I'm really freaking confused why I seem to rub certain people the wrong way so badly when I'm just trying to live a modest life with morals and integrity.  All I ever wanted was family and I have it now.  I really wish I could share that.  I wish people knew me...I wish they knew me.

I don't think I should contact anyone.  I don't think...well...to tell you the truth...I'm just tired of thinking about trying to fix things.  It's exhausting.

"Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep
Choke (throw) me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep"

(anyone know why all the lyrics sites have "choke" instead of "throw"?  And if it is choke...um...why????  lol)

Sorry about the yiping

"Most people are so busy knocking themselves out trying to do everything they think they should do, they never get around to do what they want to do."  – Kathleen Winsor

What is it about being a 'people pleaser' that seems to turn people into a pack of ravenous wolves and me their wounded prey?  My desire to be liked and accepted is a gaping and bleeding gash I incurred during childhood abuse.

And yes, I am trying to 'get over it.'  I spent ten proud years in therapy trying to 'get over it.'  You don't get PTSD over 'spankings.'  You don't have flashbacks of being told to go to bed.

Why does it seem to offend some people when I talk about the abuse or how I'm trying to deal with some aspect of it?  How we were raised as children, the experiences we endured, molded us into the people we are today.  I just happened to live through conditions that have made therapists physically sick.  I am proud that I survived.  I am proud of the creative ways I endured it and I am working on being proud of who I am today.

I have just spent so much time 'people pleasing'...a side effect of the grooming...that sometimes I really just don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do or how to act in any given moment.

And that's my life - how is this person thinking or feeling?  Are they angry with me?  How do I fix it?  This person hurt me; hurt them back.  Now I'm a bad person.

See grooming is a form of brain washing.  I have been told versions of reality other than my own.  I have been told right after abuse that my injuries occurred in another way.  I have not been allowed to feel hurt or sad or angry.  I was only allowed to feel what I had permission to feel and any resistance was met with swift and harsh punishment.

Yes, to those who run with the wolf pack, I am considered an easy kill.  It's true; I allow my wounds to be seen.  I don't try to hide them anymore.  I don't do this because I want your pity or attention.  I do it because it's honest.  I'm not hiding any part of myself anymore.  I am wounded.  I am flawed.  It's taken me a long time to learn to love and trust.  Being honest about what has happened or how I feel is something I do even though I am very frightened to do so.

Remember, I want to be liked.  I'm looking for that acceptance I missed out on as a child.  Obviously, that is an issue I need to work on and boy have I learned a lot these last ten years at the hands of those in Christian, Intellectual  and "I just love her so much"  (stab, stab, stab) clothing.

Still, honesty is priceless to me.  No abuse can occur in a relationship that is honest.  Nothing can fester in the light.  Honesty is the light and I shine it on myself and the abuse for the world to see.  Yes this happened and I'm not going to shut up about it because 1) I have to talk about it to heal and 2) my abusers are still, to this day, abusing me; telling me that it didn't happen.  Telling me I remember it wrong.  Telling me it was my fault.  Telling others...a much more palatable version of what happened;  Michelle is crazy.  There is not a group of men in the family who prey on children.  All the broken people in the family?  They are all just sick.  It's just a coincidence that they all mention they have been abused.

There are monsters but they aren't in our closets.  They are in our family album.  And my family shouldn't be pissed off at me for shining the light on them.  They should be pissed off that I had to.  Anyone talking 'loyalty' to me now is inadvertently shining a light on their own issues.

So, as you see, I am a fucked up person (sorry, no other word would fit)...but I'm trying really, really hard to not let that affect those around me.  My faith, honesty and a heaping helping of humor has made my life really enjoyable.  I still have issues I am working on but I am working on them.  It's very hard for me to allow myself to be vulnerable and I have recently made some huge leaps of faith only to end up in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the hill with that pack of hungry wolves in sheep's clothing waiting for me.

So to the wolves, I may be easy prey but I guarantee you this; Deep down I am tough, stringy and resilient.  With any justice at all, I'll give you gas and hemorrhoids for life but I will walk away from you.

I've already survived worse than you.

Still, I promise I'll try to work on my yiping.  I bet it makes it hard to hear the television.